Wish i had a group of bestfriends.. Like in friends and how i met your mother… Sigh..
I wish i had one bestfriend too…
I mean closest best friend i have besides babe ? (Does she even count? ppl always make their significant other their besty…) I think chan and/or maybe dorian ? But i think chan would be closest to a bestfriend for me . We jst click in everything . Theres also jess but that jst gets too complicated ? And kinda robyn but not rly ? And well.. I do think babe as my bestfriend . Ive never felt so comfy in my life ever with a person . Ever in my life . Its nice to finally feel that . But also i can do practically everything with her, thas so incredibly nice too .
Blahh i feel like ima be alone tho.. For life.. Cuz like .. I dont really have a family ? I mean i do.. But i dont.. I never grew up with siblings . I have step bros n a half sis i cant find.. But i never grew up with them… I grew up with my cousins.. I used to consider them like my brothers n sisters.. But as we grew older n grew apart .. I realized they have their own families/siblings and im not part of that… Kinda tore my heart but hey its life… I never had a dad.. N my mom was rarely there cuz she had to work lots of jobs to keep a good life for us cuz my so calld dad fukd everything up for us..
Anyways.. And as far as friends.. I mean.. I have tons of friends, i have no problem making friends.. Sometimes i think i know too many ppls n bounce back n forth between so many diff groups.. But i kinda have to cuz im so diverse and i have come to find out other people arent as diverse as me . They all stick to their thing(s) and im jst like water, very fluid.. And im jst too into everything ?
But yah.. In the end.. U have kids.. U get old.. Kids grow into adults.. Have their own families.. Ur left on ur own.. U can kinda have ur siblings.. Ur closest friends..
But rly u end up with jst ur significant other ?
But myself… Im scared i wont even have kids.. Hate that im gay sometimes.. Sigh.. Scared i wont have a lifetime partner.. Or kids..
Yup.. Alone for life.. I accept it now tho . Compared to before i felt like shit . But now im jst sad, but now im jst tryna do me and do what i can with my own life .
Blah blah .
Lone wolf - always have been, always will be…
finally I am at a constant weight below 115 . I used to weigh a max of 140 and I never wanna be close to that ever again ! then I got down to 130… 125.. 120.. 115 !!! and now I am staying below 115 and I am happy about that =]
I wanna get to 110 . but actually I am at that point that I dont care for my weight . I just wanna be toned and fit now . toned more-so on my mid section . still have that stubborn lil belly fat that wont go away .
EXERCISE & DIET
before i was trying to exercise , but i never changed my diet . but then I changed my diet . tried to juice, and eat less crap food . eat less meat . now im eating whole foods ! and maybe some kind of meat once or a few times a week .
No more fast food . No more processed food . Whole foods for me ! more veggies, more whole grains, fruits, and nuts . ^_^ so good !
Recently I tried to add in more water in my system . FORCING myself to drink at least 60oz within my work day . i’ve been doin it, but damn i piss all the time . clearin my system real good =] I’m gonna try to continue this . It seems easy now . Also because of all this H20 I think i eat less cause I’m not that hungry .
Now I am wanting to add in a jog EVERY DAY ! for this month . but I would luvvvvv to just be a jogger for life =] Currently been runnin up and down the steps at pier 66 . oh boy do i feel it ! but its good .
This month I gota run every day at least once . I wanna aim for twice a day .
3 reasons for me to keep up with cardio everyday…
- complete a course
- be fit for hawaii
- over all health
SURVIVOR MUD RUN / WARRIOR DASH / TOUGH MUDDER
ok… so a friend told me bout these things.. well tough mudder . and i thought it was super interesting and a challenge i would like to take up . give me a goal to aim for . survivor mud run is seriously in a month . and i think im fukd lol . but i wanna do it ! that means i really needa push myself hard this month . just to reach the fitness level just to pass this… mud course .
I would like to do it with a friend but i dont know if anyone is up for it cause it is too soon . I just wanna complete something.. i have been wanting to for a long while now .
bouts to sign up for the colour run too, its in aug i think ?
what would be amazing is if i get to the level of reaching tough mudder and earn that orange headband . I WANT !
Wish i could find a female who is as willing and as dedicated as i am…
Better yet.. Wish i was not gay.. Or wish i was a male.. I’d have more fish in my pool to choose from…
Blah blah… I have a year to stick with this job.. Makin good money so i gota stick thru it . Then maybe down the road go n do stupid internships that dont pay but hopefully they get me into the field i belong to… The art world..
Am i depressd ? Nope . I jst dont like myself… Nor do i like where i am currently at .. Blahhhzzzezz